[to be human. having this form... is so difficult - especially in this moment. he'd felt moments of it before, the first time that his brother truly suffered a loss here. to see sadness overtake hizamaru so sincerely was difficult - to feel it himself is almost too much to handle.
before, he was able to find things that made enduring the feeling worth it.
here and now... he finds himself still searching.]
You know... I don't think I ever told you. At first, I was-- more like a weapon, myself. I didn't really look at myself as someone human because of it. Just something to contain the power I had, someone who had a responsibility to use it... and yeah, it was a little simpler to live like that, in some ways.
[for a moment, he falls silent again, before he exhales.]
...but that wasn't living. It's like this because you felt that strongly about him-- if you gave up the way you're feeling right now, you'd be turning your back on everything you ever felt for your brother. On everything he was able to feel for you. Because if neither of you ever felt it to begin with, it couldn't hurt you now.
some have tried to reason with higekiri. some have accepted his difficulty with emotions and attributed it to be part of who he is. others have tried to tell him that for him to not want to be human anymore, to not want to feel, might be an affront to everyone who cares about him. it's been easy enough to reason that away - there is no point that they should have cared too much about a weapon to begin with. he is but a tool.
but to hear chuuya say this now... to suggest that if higekiri was never allowed to feel, then he would be spurning his brother's earnest feelings -
something about that twists in his heart painfully all over again.]
No, that's...
I can't do that...
[he can't give up living, if it means that he has to give up living with his brother in the future]
[he stops petting his hair, there, shifting back just enough that he can finally look up to higekiri's face again.]
You just... have to remember why it hurts. What you're hurting for. You have to take what you're feeling and channel it into making sure you see him again, so that you can make this all worth it-- fuel yourself on it, if that's what it takes to make sure you don't stop. Make it a new weapon.
Just don't rely on it so much that you stop feeling anything else. You have to keep everything else, too, or it's going to become all that you've got.
[ . . . it takes him a long moment to hear those words - to hear them and apply them to himself. higekiri has been good at deciphering other's emotions, helping them work through them in ways to heal. it's part of what comes of his long life. observation, perceptiveness, a quiet sharpness that is easy to miss.]
... Do not break. Be kind.
[he repeats the words to himself softly]
... Each time that he grew fearful that I would one day leave him - that is what I said to him. To not let himself be tormented by his guilt, to not become resentful of others, so that he might be able to carry the mission first and foremost.
[chuuya manages the smallest hint of a smile, there-]
We promised we'd take care of each other, didn't we-- so I'll make sure that you do. If you ever forget, I'll remind you. I'll be here for whatever you need from me.
[and his fingers twitch where they rest, there.]
...don't break. I know nothing's guaranteed here, but-- he needs you to stay alive.
[and maybe chuuya will also not be super okay if hige gets killed it's fine it's fine it's fine.]
he blinks a little bit at that before finally shifting their positions, moving so that he can brush some of chuuya's hair away from his forehead so that it's easier to press a soft kiss there. it's tentative, it carries its own difficulty - higekiri only became so familiar with physical affection since it would make hizamaru happy - but the emotion behind it is sincere]
... Mm. That's right. I have to be here to take care of you as well.
[that's another thing that he has to remember, that he'll hold onto, when he wonders if there is anything left for him to do]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
doublesmall) wrote2019-10-13 08:02 pm
no subject
[he just quietly continues the attention, letting higekiri rest against him, keeping him held close.]
It might fade for a little while and then come back, too. It's just-- part of being human.
no subject
I no longer know if I desire such a thing.
[to be human. having this form... is so difficult - especially in this moment. he'd felt moments of it before, the first time that his brother truly suffered a loss here. to see sadness overtake hizamaru so sincerely was difficult - to feel it himself is almost too much to handle.
before, he was able to find things that made enduring the feeling worth it.
here and now... he finds himself still searching.]
no subject
You know... I don't think I ever told you. At first, I was-- more like a weapon, myself. I didn't really look at myself as someone human because of it. Just something to contain the power I had, someone who had a responsibility to use it... and yeah, it was a little simpler to live like that, in some ways.
[for a moment, he falls silent again, before he exhales.]
...but that wasn't living. It's like this because you felt that strongly about him-- if you gave up the way you're feeling right now, you'd be turning your back on everything you ever felt for your brother. On everything he was able to feel for you. Because if neither of you ever felt it to begin with, it couldn't hurt you now.
Do you still not want it?
no subject
some have tried to reason with higekiri. some have accepted his difficulty with emotions and attributed it to be part of who he is. others have tried to tell him that for him to not want to be human anymore, to not want to feel, might be an affront to everyone who cares about him. it's been easy enough to reason that away - there is no point that they should have cared too much about a weapon to begin with. he is but a tool.
but to hear chuuya say this now... to suggest that if higekiri was never allowed to feel, then he would be spurning his brother's earnest feelings -
something about that twists in his heart painfully all over again.]
No, that's...
I can't do that...
[he can't give up living, if it means that he has to give up living with his brother in the future]
no subject
[he stops petting his hair, there, shifting back just enough that he can finally look up to higekiri's face again.]
You just... have to remember why it hurts. What you're hurting for. You have to take what you're feeling and channel it into making sure you see him again, so that you can make this all worth it-- fuel yourself on it, if that's what it takes to make sure you don't stop. Make it a new weapon.
Just don't rely on it so much that you stop feeling anything else. You have to keep everything else, too, or it's going to become all that you've got.
no subject
... Do not break. Be kind.
[he repeats the words to himself softly]
... Each time that he grew fearful that I would one day leave him - that is what I said to him. To not let himself be tormented by his guilt, to not become resentful of others, so that he might be able to carry the mission first and foremost.
[ . . . ]
Mm. I'll remember.
no subject
[chuuya manages the smallest hint of a smile, there-]
We promised we'd take care of each other, didn't we-- so I'll make sure that you do. If you ever forget, I'll remind you. I'll be here for whatever you need from me.
[and his fingers twitch where they rest, there.]
...don't break. I know nothing's guaranteed here, but-- he needs you to stay alive.
[and maybe chuuya will also not be super okay if hige gets killed it's fine it's fine it's fine.]
no subject
he'd almost forgotten.
he blinks a little bit at that before finally shifting their positions, moving so that he can brush some of chuuya's hair away from his forehead so that it's easier to press a soft kiss there. it's tentative, it carries its own difficulty - higekiri only became so familiar with physical affection since it would make hizamaru happy - but the emotion behind it is sincere]
... Mm. That's right. I have to be here to take care of you as well.
[that's another thing that he has to remember, that he'll hold onto, when he wonders if there is anything left for him to do]
no subject
[chuuya breathes out a faint laugh at that, eyes sliding shut at the kiss, tentative as it is.
it feels like a good sign. he hopes he's not wrong about that.]
So make sure you stick around, Higekiri.
[and after a pause to consider, he adds:]
...if you don't have anyone else you need to talk to tonight, you can stay with me for a while. I don't have any more appointments.
[of course he cleared his schedule before coming to talk to hige.]
no subject
[and so the genjis drop back down to 2.
but higekiri will just nod his head at that before pulling away again, going to retrieve the cd that he put off to the side.]
But... I wanted to watch this again. Would you care to join me?