doublesmall | [PCs] team trust no bitch aka team hat aka chuuya & caren

[No, she leans in without complaint, pliant as always in his arms. She could tell him more about it, about holding Akira's hand to her chest, about the pain, about how it felt to bleed, but, ah. Assassin.

Caren traces her thumb over the scar on her palm, her final "Command Seal."]

Not well. He was supporting me, but really he should have been stronger just for his own sake. [She looks up at the ceiling, clearly pulling at a memory.] His voice sounds nice around "your" poetry.

I gave him what you bought me last night. Maybe it really was my color, but what good would it have been to be here?

Right? I thought the same thing when he read it in the bookstore.

[if there's anyone chuuya will miss, now that both of them are here-- it's assassin. having eleanor and the other allies they'd found here helps, but...

it just won't be the same, fighting anyone who's present here. they won't get it in the same way assassin did.]

He helped me pick it out, you know. I almost went with yellow stones, but he convinced me red was better, once he was done being a shit about me being there at all.

Mmm, you know, it seemed like something he would pick out. I just hoped you wouldn't believe I would discard it or our partnership so easily. I kept something else of yours. I just... [She flinches a little bit here, the normally smooth rhythm of her voice hesitating.] I just thought he needed it.

I only have one fear when it comes to his well-being. He has probably begun to understood, as I do, that the Assassin piece was never meant to stay on the board until the end. Servants are summoned to be used, but that ceremony has always been a ghastly one.

[Now that she's reclining with them, the exhaustion of the previous few days finally catches Caren. She would say it isn't that she feels safe in his company, but she couldn't sleep on her own when she was vulnerable to attack.] ...Selfishly, I would still like it if he won, perhaps even at the cost of my own revival. These remaining weeks with you would be all right to live out.

[Most dreams do end, are meant to.]

I know you wouldn't. I didn't get rid of your hair either, promise, I just...

[he winces, slightly.]

Don't have it. I was hoping you did.

[disappointment + rage incoming next tag probably, BUT for now he sighs, resting his head against hers as his fingers comb through her hair.]

I think he can win, though. He's good enough to do it as long as he doesn't slip up-- and as much as I wanted to live, he's already beaten me. If he makes it and they don't get us back too, somehow...

Fuck. He earned it.

Yes. It will be all right, either way, whether we are lifted from this grace or not. Out of all things, I still have some belief in him... What an unorthodox contract we really do have.

[The backs of her knuckles rest just slightly against Chuuya's thigh as he touches her hair; she does't want to ask for contact but is happy just to have it all the same.]

I have to apologize again, Chuuya. I don't have it. It was gone when we found you. You have some hair, but none of mine.

[...] It's a shame; I thought I could at least spare you the humiliation of being found with such a sentimental trinket.

[That's not why she wanted it.]

It was what?!

[yep, there's the angry button. chuuya is immediately incensed, tense and trying to keep from tightening his grip on her so much it's uncomfortable.]

I'm going to kill them if they show up here, I don't care if we're already dead, they'll die a third goddamn time--

Are you all right? I can feel that, you know. [It's radiating off him in waves. Even without anything she had in life, Caren can sense that kind of energy, especially with how close they are. Her open palm twitches a little bit, as if to remind him it's there.]

I'm sorry they took that from you. I even inquired Max about it, thinking surely it was there somewhere. I couldn't find it.

They must have taken it then. I don't know if they kept it or what, but--

[he grits his teeth, shaking his head.]

No, I'm not fucking all right. All that time they wasted talking about how they didn't even want to kill, but they can steal something like that?

[There's a lot there, for such a short few sentences. After Saturday, she was convinced the hair was disposed of, but thinking of it in someone else's possession still is maddening. Caren wants to comfort Chuuya in his anger, with her words or her hands or some sort of promise that only matters to the dead, but Chuuya isn't talking with much control rightnow and they need to bring things back to center.]

Please. Wait. Both of them? Is this some sort of epidemic among the Reaper faction being ordered to kill?

[that question is, at least, something for him to focus on. he's still visibly angry, tension lining every bit of his posture, but he forces himself to focus. she should know what happened. caren deserves to know.]

Kurusu was there, but Undine is the one who killed me. I still had to provoke her into it, she wouldn't act until she found out about Madara-- had to provoke Kurusu into speaking up, too, or I wouldn't have known he was there.

He was just there to watch while she did it.

Her?

[Caren's voice is soft, stilted. He didn't hear her last Jouji Nakata laugh, but if he had, he might detect that she's on the brink of another one.

Her eyes are so dark when she looks over at Chuuya for that confirmation. He might notice the bed shifting slightly beneath them, back and forth. It's because Caren is literally trembling too hard to put a stop to it.]

Oh, the abyss will swallow her up in good time.

Yeah, her.

[it's hard to try to steady her when he's still furious, himself, and so chuuya doesn't try. they don't need to hide this from each other, nor do they need to try to stop it right now; for the moment, it's a thing they can share in.

so he just holds her instead of trying to soothe her, doesn't try to stop it from feeding his own anger.]

Is it just because she killed me, or did I miss something, Caren.

[Still shaking, Caren is silent a while longer. Before she speaks again, she moves to the side, swinging one leg over his so she sits astride him. Despite the intimacy of it, it really doesn't seem to be suggestive; she doesn't try to do anything else with it, and Caren just sits there with the same tranquil, cold look on her face.]

Self-righteousness really doesn't look good on her. [She grips his shoulders, white-knuckled, forcing some control into her fingers even though they hardly feel like hers.] The entire time, she pontificated about solving all the murders. Especially Madara Mikejima's. Always Madara Mikejima's. How outraged she was at my confession; she even wanted to ask that ridiculous board about who did it.

That man [Izaya] is right. She truly is outstandingly hypocritical.

It must've been an act. Whatever she said to your confession-- she already knew. I told her that I did it the night I died. She just kept talking about how they didn't have any choice to kill, but I did, shit like that.

[he drops his arms, lets them wrap around her waist to pull her close. chuuya's not surprised to hear she'd pull that kind of thing even already knowing who'd done it, but he still can't reconcile their attitudes with their jobs.]

It's like she doesn't realize we all kill, every damn week. Even if we don't have to hold the knife, every one of us makes the decision to kill when we cast a vote.

Guess it makes some feel better to look down on people who actually play the game and pretend they're innocent, huh?

Of course it was an act. I should have seen through it, but she was so obstinate and I wanted to uncover the truth.

I imagine it brought some comfort to be able to erase a killer. Wasn't it the same for us when we learned of Ranpo's nature?

[She slides her hands down, forming a triangle on his chest with her palms. While Caren isn't shaking so much anymore, she's calm and still in a way that might be worrying in a different way.]

Well, humans always create their own demons. If we were all so determined, we could have just all chosen ourselves that first week.

They could've chosen to be erased themselves, too, but they didn't. All that complaining about having no choice, but what they really meant was that they were too selfish to give themselves up.

[a little grin pulls at his mouth, there, but it isn't warm or pleasant. chuuya's discounting everything they said about doing it for the sake of the players, for the sake of saving everyone; it all sounds like excuses to him. the point of the game is to find and eliminate them, isn't it? of course they'd say things like that. of course they'd try to get people to spare them.]

Not that I can talk. I told them both I'd do whatever it takes to live-- guess they can understand that much, yeah? But they're gonna have to live with their choices.

They'll understand that better when they die.

They should do as they say instead of as they do. [It's a mangling of the idiom, but one with a purpose.]

They could simply do as we do just as well and save themselves some trouble. I'm not used to being a role model for others, but I'll take it up if I have to.

[Caren smiles slightly. That's the joke -- here of all places, she would especially not want to assume a position of role model. Everyone's always in such disagreements about just what actions should be taken to save others; fewer are willing to act.]

They will. [She looks down at him, bangs almost obscuring her eyes as her mood suddenly sobers.] The circumstances have changed, Chuuya. What do you thinking about the conditions of ending this game?

The short version is that I think it's bullshit if we're supposed to do anything but what they laid out for us to do.

[he's been playing the game as they were informed it should be played, and chuuya hates being toyed with; his eyes narrow at the thought.]

Everything people were talking about, with stretching this game out instead of ending it-- it's all bullshit. So is all of this talk about trying to save all of us.

[...now that he's one of them, maybe he should think differently, but chuuya still has a hard time reconciling it all.]

I want to live, Caren. But-

I don't want to wait around down here to be saved. I wanted to win on my own merits and be judged that way, not get rescued after I already lost, and if anyone manages it and expects thanks for that-- they're going to have to get it from someone else.

Ah, I suppose I would thank them, at least, but anyone who expected an apology or thanks probably wouldn't understand why I did what I did this weekend.

I cannot fathom why there would be any reason for a game to run out its time limit. Truly, that's the part that vexes me the most. It's against the nature of a "game."

[How strange and even terrible that, for all their differences in background and beliefs, their opinions happen to align more often than not. They lost, indeed, and Caren would play again if given the chance, indeed, loathes that she was the one not playing with all of the information. It isn't a position she's used to.]

But... I've been thinking about the life I would lead with that second chance, when I've had the time.

Yeah?

[turning the topic to something like this has him relaxing, bit by tiny bit, no longer shaking slightly with that shared anger of theirs. he's still tense, it'll take more time to ease that from his body, but as chuuya exhales a breath his posture shifts to hold her a little less firmly.]

So what do you think you'd do with something like that, Caren?

I can't say it would be anything extraordinary enough to call it a "rebirth." Wouldn't I just go back to what I've always done?

[Because she's on top of him, it's easy to look to the garish, over-florescent ceiling as she speaks, even if it isn't much to look at compared to the sky.]

Yeah. Someone who emerged triumphant on the other side of this should be relieved to go back to that sort of life.

'Should' doesn't mean much, though.

[just going back to what she's always done-- it sounds familiar. he's quiet for a few moments before he continues.]

I don't... know if I'd be relieved to go back. Living that kind of life is going to get me killed again, right? So I shouldn't want to, but-

There's probably nothing else for me anyway.

[it's the only life he's ever known how to live, and he was good at it, but without the memories they took from him-- would it be much of one to return to? would having them make him want to go back, or would they prove he shouldn't?

the same questions come up every time. they're becoming exhausting.]

Is there anything like that for you?

No, it doesn't. But for me there is no way to distinguish it from "would like to."

[She can't even tell him what she felt about the life she led before the first of her deaths because the memory of those feelings is simply void. What occurred there, what she learned...all of that would be easy for Caren to disclose to him now.

But if it was worth it?

If it ever once brought meaning to her life?

Who could say?

Her hands lift from her chest and come to her own, tracing the outline of nothing. Not a heart or a necklace. Eventually, they still.]

In the end, there is nothing outside it for me, either.

Nothing at all, huh...

[then they're sort of in the same boat, aren't they?

he reaches out, lightly pressing one of his hands over one of hers.]

Does this have to do with what you said before-- about not enjoying anything? Or is it different?

Maybe.

Then again, I may have simply come into the world with this damage. Born incomplete.

It doesn't really bother me; that's just the way it is, but I must also acknowledge that my prospects are limited.

[PCs] team trust no bitch aka team hat aka chuuya & caren

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cw suicide

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