but he pauses. he doesn't look back at chuuya, but it seems like he needs a moment before he speaks.]
... You gave me all the pieces I needed. I ought to have used them as they should have been used - I made the incorrect choices this week, because I thought there would only be one way to lose him.
[a demon slaying sword becoming the demon.... hah.]
It's good that my master never made me the captain.
It hurts, looking back on it and seeing what you could have done differently. How you would have acted if you knew-- what you wish you'd changed, what you think was a bad decision in hindsight. It just keeps going through your head, because you can't quit thinking about how you could have stopped it and who might have lived. Or, fuck, maybe that part's just me.
[...and a long pause follows.]
You can't fully control other people. Even if you asked all of them, you had no guarantee they would do it. I don't want to see you laying all of the blame on yourself when you could have acted differently and not changed a damn thing-- it's not worth it.
[ . . . higekiri listens closely and still refrains from putting the cd in. after a moment's consideration, he places it down, and then turns to face chuuya.
he watches him for a moment and there is a sadness in higekiri's gaze that normally is so very hard to find on him. it's as if he's been dragged beneath the surface of the waves, too overwhelmed by everything around him to really settle on what to feel.
but he'll cross the distance between them, letting his hand fall to chuuya's cheek before he closes the space between their mouths. it is not a passionate kiss, but one to try to quiet some of chuuya's anxieties.]
[god. it hurts to see that sadness, to know that all of this isn't even over yet; tomorrow, higekiri's brother will have to be exorcised. tomorrow he'll die.
tomorrow they'll be separated, and chuuya has no idea how things are going to be after that's happened.
but he accepts the kiss easily, leans into the hand on his cheek, lets a hand settle on higekiri's waist-- light at first, to let him pull away if he doesn't want the touch.]
[he doesn't pull away - but he is tense underneath chuuya's touch in a way that he normally isn't. normally higekiri is so relaxed that it's almost impossible to touch him, to get through to him. but now... it feels as though he's never sure when this unpleasant hum will leave his veins.
at chuuya's words, he almost smiles. almost.]
... Of course he won't.
[and he knows that just as well]
He loves me. [even if swords do not know how to love - higekiri still knows this so firmly in his own heart] He would forgive me, no matter what happens, no matter what I do. He may very nearly cry, if he only knew the extent that I went to try to protect to him.
He—
[the word trembles before he can start his next sentence, and then the rest of the phrase gets stuck in his throat
higekiri pauses, looking surprised
why does it feel as though his very heart is trying to squeeze through his throat?]
[chuuya isn't aware that higekiri has told his brother he loves him, but-- he thinks these things come through. that even if there aren't words for it, there must be some awareness- right?
or maybe it's something he's blind to, but then chuuya has a hard time picturing them both as being out of touch with each other.
when higekiri doesn't reject his touch, and especially at that trembling word, the way he cuts off... chuuya steps in closer, exhaling a heavy breath as he lets that arm slide around him and lets his fingers comb through higekiri's hair in a familiar gesture. the surprise on his face isn't too-- well, surprising, given the whole sword thing, and so:]
Just... let it out. The feeling, I mean. Things like that-- they eat at you if you don't.
[granted, he always tries to choke it down himself, but that doesn't feel like the kind of lesson to give him right now. he's going to have to know how it feels to let a dam break to know how to successfully stop it up, probably.
it sounds correct, anyway? he knows he's not exactly the best judge of these things.]
[it seems as though he's had enough time to allow others closer - and when chuuya touches him now, he'll feel the tenseness in higekiri's body. like he might snap or shatter at any moment, like he's close to trembling with the tension that he carries inside of him. he presses his face into chuuya's hair. that's how he tries to give in a little bit.
though at his words... he only just blinks once, twice, stunned and confused.]
... I don't know what this feeling is.
It's crushing... This body is failing again.
[like he's being broken - like he is someone broken in a way that repairs can't fix.]
[to be human. having this form... is so difficult - especially in this moment. he'd felt moments of it before, the first time that his brother truly suffered a loss here. to see sadness overtake hizamaru so sincerely was difficult - to feel it himself is almost too much to handle.
before, he was able to find things that made enduring the feeling worth it.
here and now... he finds himself still searching.]
You know... I don't think I ever told you. At first, I was-- more like a weapon, myself. I didn't really look at myself as someone human because of it. Just something to contain the power I had, someone who had a responsibility to use it... and yeah, it was a little simpler to live like that, in some ways.
[for a moment, he falls silent again, before he exhales.]
...but that wasn't living. It's like this because you felt that strongly about him-- if you gave up the way you're feeling right now, you'd be turning your back on everything you ever felt for your brother. On everything he was able to feel for you. Because if neither of you ever felt it to begin with, it couldn't hurt you now.
some have tried to reason with higekiri. some have accepted his difficulty with emotions and attributed it to be part of who he is. others have tried to tell him that for him to not want to be human anymore, to not want to feel, might be an affront to everyone who cares about him. it's been easy enough to reason that away - there is no point that they should have cared too much about a weapon to begin with. he is but a tool.
but to hear chuuya say this now... to suggest that if higekiri was never allowed to feel, then he would be spurning his brother's earnest feelings -
something about that twists in his heart painfully all over again.]
No, that's...
I can't do that...
[he can't give up living, if it means that he has to give up living with his brother in the future]
[he stops petting his hair, there, shifting back just enough that he can finally look up to higekiri's face again.]
You just... have to remember why it hurts. What you're hurting for. You have to take what you're feeling and channel it into making sure you see him again, so that you can make this all worth it-- fuel yourself on it, if that's what it takes to make sure you don't stop. Make it a new weapon.
Just don't rely on it so much that you stop feeling anything else. You have to keep everything else, too, or it's going to become all that you've got.
[ . . . it takes him a long moment to hear those words - to hear them and apply them to himself. higekiri has been good at deciphering other's emotions, helping them work through them in ways to heal. it's part of what comes of his long life. observation, perceptiveness, a quiet sharpness that is easy to miss.]
... Do not break. Be kind.
[he repeats the words to himself softly]
... Each time that he grew fearful that I would one day leave him - that is what I said to him. To not let himself be tormented by his guilt, to not become resentful of others, so that he might be able to carry the mission first and foremost.
[chuuya manages the smallest hint of a smile, there-]
We promised we'd take care of each other, didn't we-- so I'll make sure that you do. If you ever forget, I'll remind you. I'll be here for whatever you need from me.
[and his fingers twitch where they rest, there.]
...don't break. I know nothing's guaranteed here, but-- he needs you to stay alive.
[and maybe chuuya will also not be super okay if hige gets killed it's fine it's fine it's fine.]
he blinks a little bit at that before finally shifting their positions, moving so that he can brush some of chuuya's hair away from his forehead so that it's easier to press a soft kiss there. it's tentative, it carries its own difficulty - higekiri only became so familiar with physical affection since it would make hizamaru happy - but the emotion behind it is sincere]
... Mm. That's right. I have to be here to take care of you as well.
[that's another thing that he has to remember, that he'll hold onto, when he wonders if there is anything left for him to do]
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doublesmall) wrote2019-10-13 08:02 pm
no subject
but he pauses. he doesn't look back at chuuya, but it seems like he needs a moment before he speaks.]
... You gave me all the pieces I needed. I ought to have used them as they should have been used - I made the incorrect choices this week, because I thought there would only be one way to lose him.
[a demon slaying sword becoming the demon.... hah.]
It's good that my master never made me the captain.
I am not meant to lead.
no subject
[a shake of his head, there.]
It hurts, looking back on it and seeing what you could have done differently. How you would have acted if you knew-- what you wish you'd changed, what you think was a bad decision in hindsight. It just keeps going through your head, because you can't quit thinking about how you could have stopped it and who might have lived. Or, fuck, maybe that part's just me.
[...and a long pause follows.]
You can't fully control other people. Even if you asked all of them, you had no guarantee they would do it. I don't want to see you laying all of the blame on yourself when you could have acted differently and not changed a damn thing-- it's not worth it.
...but I know how hard it is not to do that.
no subject
he watches him for a moment and there is a sadness in higekiri's gaze that normally is so very hard to find on him. it's as if he's been dragged beneath the surface of the waves, too overwhelmed by everything around him to really settle on what to feel.
but he'll cross the distance between them, letting his hand fall to chuuya's cheek before he closes the space between their mouths. it is not a passionate kiss, but one to try to quiet some of chuuya's anxieties.]
... I don't blame you.
no subject
[god. it hurts to see that sadness, to know that all of this isn't even over yet; tomorrow, higekiri's brother will have to be exorcised. tomorrow he'll die.
tomorrow they'll be separated, and chuuya has no idea how things are going to be after that's happened.
but he accepts the kiss easily, leans into the hand on his cheek, lets a hand settle on higekiri's waist-- light at first, to let him pull away if he doesn't want the touch.]
I don't blame you, either.
[a pause, before he adds:]
And from what I know of him? He won't.
no subject
at chuuya's words, he almost smiles. almost.]
... Of course he won't.
[and he knows that just as well]
He loves me. [even if swords do not know how to love - higekiri still knows this so firmly in his own heart] He would forgive me, no matter what happens, no matter what I do. He may very nearly cry, if he only knew the extent that I went to try to protect to him.
He—
[the word trembles before he can start his next sentence, and then the rest of the phrase gets stuck in his throat
higekiri pauses, looking surprised
why does it feel as though his very heart is trying to squeeze through his throat?]
no subject
[chuuya isn't aware that higekiri has told his brother he loves him, but-- he thinks these things come through. that even if there aren't words for it, there must be some awareness- right?
or maybe it's something he's blind to, but then chuuya has a hard time picturing them both as being out of touch with each other.
when higekiri doesn't reject his touch, and especially at that trembling word, the way he cuts off... chuuya steps in closer, exhaling a heavy breath as he lets that arm slide around him and lets his fingers comb through higekiri's hair in a familiar gesture. the surprise on his face isn't too-- well, surprising, given the whole sword thing, and so:]
Just... let it out. The feeling, I mean. Things like that-- they eat at you if you don't.
[granted, he always tries to choke it down himself, but that doesn't feel like the kind of lesson to give him right now. he's going to have to know how it feels to let a dam break to know how to successfully stop it up, probably.
it sounds correct, anyway? he knows he's not exactly the best judge of these things.]
no subject
though at his words... he only just blinks once, twice, stunned and confused.]
... I don't know what this feeling is.
It's crushing... This body is failing again.
[like he's being broken - like he is someone broken in a way that repairs can't fix.]
no subject
[he just quietly continues the attention, letting higekiri rest against him, keeping him held close.]
It might fade for a little while and then come back, too. It's just-- part of being human.
no subject
I no longer know if I desire such a thing.
[to be human. having this form... is so difficult - especially in this moment. he'd felt moments of it before, the first time that his brother truly suffered a loss here. to see sadness overtake hizamaru so sincerely was difficult - to feel it himself is almost too much to handle.
before, he was able to find things that made enduring the feeling worth it.
here and now... he finds himself still searching.]
no subject
You know... I don't think I ever told you. At first, I was-- more like a weapon, myself. I didn't really look at myself as someone human because of it. Just something to contain the power I had, someone who had a responsibility to use it... and yeah, it was a little simpler to live like that, in some ways.
[for a moment, he falls silent again, before he exhales.]
...but that wasn't living. It's like this because you felt that strongly about him-- if you gave up the way you're feeling right now, you'd be turning your back on everything you ever felt for your brother. On everything he was able to feel for you. Because if neither of you ever felt it to begin with, it couldn't hurt you now.
Do you still not want it?
no subject
some have tried to reason with higekiri. some have accepted his difficulty with emotions and attributed it to be part of who he is. others have tried to tell him that for him to not want to be human anymore, to not want to feel, might be an affront to everyone who cares about him. it's been easy enough to reason that away - there is no point that they should have cared too much about a weapon to begin with. he is but a tool.
but to hear chuuya say this now... to suggest that if higekiri was never allowed to feel, then he would be spurning his brother's earnest feelings -
something about that twists in his heart painfully all over again.]
No, that's...
I can't do that...
[he can't give up living, if it means that he has to give up living with his brother in the future]
no subject
[he stops petting his hair, there, shifting back just enough that he can finally look up to higekiri's face again.]
You just... have to remember why it hurts. What you're hurting for. You have to take what you're feeling and channel it into making sure you see him again, so that you can make this all worth it-- fuel yourself on it, if that's what it takes to make sure you don't stop. Make it a new weapon.
Just don't rely on it so much that you stop feeling anything else. You have to keep everything else, too, or it's going to become all that you've got.
no subject
... Do not break. Be kind.
[he repeats the words to himself softly]
... Each time that he grew fearful that I would one day leave him - that is what I said to him. To not let himself be tormented by his guilt, to not become resentful of others, so that he might be able to carry the mission first and foremost.
[ . . . ]
Mm. I'll remember.
no subject
[chuuya manages the smallest hint of a smile, there-]
We promised we'd take care of each other, didn't we-- so I'll make sure that you do. If you ever forget, I'll remind you. I'll be here for whatever you need from me.
[and his fingers twitch where they rest, there.]
...don't break. I know nothing's guaranteed here, but-- he needs you to stay alive.
[and maybe chuuya will also not be super okay if hige gets killed it's fine it's fine it's fine.]
no subject
he'd almost forgotten.
he blinks a little bit at that before finally shifting their positions, moving so that he can brush some of chuuya's hair away from his forehead so that it's easier to press a soft kiss there. it's tentative, it carries its own difficulty - higekiri only became so familiar with physical affection since it would make hizamaru happy - but the emotion behind it is sincere]
... Mm. That's right. I have to be here to take care of you as well.
[that's another thing that he has to remember, that he'll hold onto, when he wonders if there is anything left for him to do]
no subject
[chuuya breathes out a faint laugh at that, eyes sliding shut at the kiss, tentative as it is.
it feels like a good sign. he hopes he's not wrong about that.]
So make sure you stick around, Higekiri.
[and after a pause to consider, he adds:]
...if you don't have anyone else you need to talk to tonight, you can stay with me for a while. I don't have any more appointments.
[of course he cleared his schedule before coming to talk to hige.]
no subject
[and so the genjis drop back down to 2.
but higekiri will just nod his head at that before pulling away again, going to retrieve the cd that he put off to the side.]
But... I wanted to watch this again. Would you care to join me?