I will, I will! Don't think for a second I'd leave you alone if I have the chance to come bother you!
[SAID WITH A GRIN but, hm? Hm?? He's peak dumbass but even someone as dense as he is couldn't miss the way Chuuya is watching him, touching his face so tenderly. Granted, noticing it and being able to figure out what the fuck it means are two... different things... And it's probably clear from expression alone that he's just like ??? about this. (wei wuxian as kagachi voice) what could this man possibly want]
Haha, well! Can't say I get to hear that one often. [Or ever!] But with luck it won't be a long goodbye, at least. I'm not a fan of those sorts of goodbyes, myself.
[yeah, he can see that in his expression, and he's dying? chuuya is dying. he eyes him another moment, then exhales a slightly more frustrated huff.]
-c'mon, you really don't get it? What does a guy have to do, huh...
[well. there's always the blunter option, so-
chuuya steals another kiss, more intent this time and almost forceful; there's a kind of softness to it that keeps it from quite getting there, though, and enough intensity that he has to pull back to breathe.
he doesn't say anything else immediately after, his ears twitching.]
[CHUUYA'S DYING AND HE TOOK WEI WUXIAN OUT WITH HIM!! Which is to say, the intensity and simultaneous softness of the kiss startles him and leaves him breathless in more ways than one, and he's left wide-eyed and blinking when Chuuya pulls away. This is absolutely the most taken off his guard he's been in all six weeks he's been here, which says so much about Wei Wuxian as a person, honestly.
He's also! Still visibly baffled!! Though there's a furrow at his brow that seems to indicate he's slowly chewing his way through the obvious possibility right in front of his idiot face - a furrow that indicates some distress, though. SURELY HE'S INTERPRETING THIS WRONG. Surely he's just jumping to wild, wild conclusions because Chuuya's being unreasonably kind to him, ridiculously affectionate!
--Actually, speaking of ridiculous affection... Ah! There's a little light of understanding in his expression, though he's back to looking a little confused soon after.]
—Didn't those cookies only work for one person at a time?
[At... at least Chuuya can probably tell he's not being intentionally obtuse or his usual shitty gremlin self. It is Literally That Hard for him to wrap his mind around the possibility that no someone just genuinely likes him. GOD.]
[his nose wrinkles at the thought-- yes, he can tell wei wuxian's not doing this on purpose, but that makes it no less personally frustrating that this is SO DIFFICULT, lord. he kind of dislikes the thought that it really is that hard an assumption to make, has to wonder why, has to sort of sit on the urge to go threaten anyone who might have made it that way.
in fairness, he'd probably be pretty obtuse about it too.
but he exhales a breath, giving his head a little shake.]
It's not that. It's just you, all right?
You can tell me I'm stupid if you want, trust me, I already know-- but I don't see the point in maybe regretting not saying anything later.
BOY THOUGH THAT'S, hm. That's, hm!! His first thoughts (after the bountiful whats zipping like lightning through his mind) are all different versions of what basically boils down to: haha oh no, I really did trick someone into liking me. It's not even entirely the past he never speaks of, it's everything, and he feels guilty and responsible and horribly selfish. Even now, he manages to keep the bulk of it off of his face - but considering how fine the control he has over his expression usually is, it's probably not hard to track at least some of what crosses this time.
Eventually, it settles into something almost melancholic - somber and soft. He reaches out with careful hands, fingertips ghosting against the sides of Chuuya's face.]
I don't think you're stupid. ...I don't think it's stupid. Haha, you're honestly smarter than I am, thinking about the regrets you might have so far in advance! I've never been good at that.
[Hm, it's hard telling someone "save the affection for someone who deserves it" without actually saying that, but it's hard just saying it, too! Haha, bad. Instead, he just settles on a succinct and quiet:]
I don't know. Saying it anyway if you know nothing's likely to come of it still feels stupid, in a way, but-- better to just get out with it.
[he reaches up for that hand touching his face, lightly lacing their fingers together; chuuya isn't always as good at keeping his own expression in check, so the way it falls despite those words is clear enough, before he gives his head a little shake and forces a smile back into place.]
What're you sorry for, huh? I figured you might not-- you know. Feel similarly.
[he's just really good at attaching to people who don't share it, in one way or another.]
[It sure would be nice if he could get through even one portion of one lifetime without hurting the people around him! But that would just be asking for too much, huh.
He's terrible with words where it counts, honestly, and maybe his actions won't help that much either. He brings their laced hands to his mouth to kiss Chuuya's knuckles and then leans forward: two more, for his forehead, for his lips. It's soft, lingering, apologetic.]
I am fond of you, you know - I like you a lot. [He can't deny that Chuuya's one of the handful of people he's especially tender toward, whose company he enjoys and seeks out more than the rest, as much as he likes almost the entirety of the ship.] And I hate seeing that kind of look on your face.
[Which he assumes he'd be seeing a lot of if he stuck around, haha! He's a mess of a human being in a borrowed body who hasn't experienced love he hasn't been blind to in years and years, and he wants better than himself for someone he cares about.]
[they help, and they also don't-- they're what he wants, but affectionate gestures like that still sting a little considering the situation. not enough for him to give them up, but his grip tightens on wei wuxian's hand as he exhales a slow breath.
not enough, but he's used enough to that.]
-then I'll try not to make you see it.
[a brief huff of a laugh, there--]
Probably for the best anyway, yeah? Even if we did run into each other again-- criminals aren't the best company to keep.
[A sigh! He doesn't seem fussed by the tightened grip, but that's probably because his attention is anchored firmly on Chuuya now. He's terrible with his words, but wouldn't it be even worse if he can't articulate himself well enough to clear up any misunderstandings? Or more terribly still, to avoid creating more?]
I don't want you to have a reason to make that kind of face again. ["I don't want to be the cause of it."] And I don't care about what sort of criminal you are! Goodness. You know, where I come from, just associating with me would be enough for people to hate you. Things like that hardly matter to me.
[Or, well. They don't matter if it's him associating with someone else. Haha, other people though? Absolutely shouldn't be associating with him!]
Yeah, you mentioned something about a bad reputation.
[which he somewhat gets, considering what wei wuxian does, but-- well. what he knows sounds reasonable enough to him? so he deals with corpses and maybe that's a little weird because people really should stay dead but honestly, does he have room to call it weird anymore-- would he mind his own body still being useful after his death?
hm. maybe not.]
... you know that doesn't matter to me, either. I don't care how many other people hate you, or who'd hate me for that.
[He just laughs, a bare huff of a sound, and gives Chuuya's hand a little, gentle squeeze.]
I'd be more surprised if you did care, haha.
[But he, personally, cares enough for both of them! And it still honestly feels like cheating his way into good graces - even with a goddamn mafia executive - to just accept this without going into more detail about his terrible reputation. Somewhere among the bloodshed and death of his family and turning his back on his brother, he's sure there'll be something Chuuya finds unforgivable. Not that he'll say as much.]
It's like I said! For such a prickly person, you have a kind heart, you know? You should show it off a little more often.
[wwx: you don't have all the facts also wwx: i'm not going to tell you them, but you don't have them]
[Meanwhile dumbass 2 is just sitting here, still on Chuuya's lap, still holding his hand, wondering where he went wrong and why he is seemingly so incapable of fixing things once they start going sour.
His free hand moves to briefly touch Chuuya's cheek as he considers his next words. "You'll find someone who deserves that kind heart of yours" is on the tip of his tongue, but he swallows it back, moving his hand away again. Softly:]
[they're too stupid to just say things, GOD. that soft touch doesn't help either, not when that's a hard question to answer.
he does and doesn't want him to go; should, reasonably, say yes. but he's also fighting the part of himself that runs on instinct right now and says he should just claim what he wants, anyway-- which is probably another reason to say he should go. reasonably.]
-no.
[nobody said he was reasonable. his ears flick a little as chuuya wraps an arm around him, still slightly possessive despite everything, because even if he can't have what he wants... part of him doesn't want anyone else to have wei wuxian right now, either.]
[In turn, almost reflexively, he curls both of his arms around Chuuya, too. That tiny, selfish core of his heart is happy to not be turned away, even if the rest of him laments the fact that his presence alone seems to bring misery and he can't even do anything about that by removing himself from the equation.
But if he isn't going to leave - if Chuuya doesn't want him to - he at least tries to convey some of the things he can't seem to put into proper words. He pulls Chuuya in and holds him close and careful, resting his chin against the top of his head. After a beat, his hands stroke up his back; an attempt at comfort, an unspoken apology.]
[another faint laugh, fingers tangling into the fabric of wei wuxian's robes. it's not funny, exactly, but-- sometimes emotions just channel themselves into whatever is available.]
I thought you were the one who wasn't interested.
[so why isn't he removing himself, then-- pity, sympathy? does he just want to be here anyway?
hard to say what he thinks the best answer would be.]
[He presses a single, soft kiss against the side of Chuuya's face, hands continuing their upward climb until they can hook over his shoulders and rest there, holding him close.]
I said I like you, didn't I? Your heart is lovely and too big - you're good, you know? So good! [Too good, which is the problem.
There's a light little sigh; he buries his nose into Chuuya's hair, murmurs against his ear:] I want to stay - at least a little longer, I want to stay here.
[This boy is the MASTER OF MIXED MESSAGES can't believe Chuuya is getting a taste of what Lan Zhan had to deal with for two whole decades.]
["literally what the fuck" --chuuya nakaraha, screaming internally!
every word of that is an extremely mixed message, and okay, he really can't keep it in anymore. he finally pulls back, his hands grasping wei wuxian's shoulders, and he sort of looks like he might shake him for a moment?]
Then why would you-- you can't just say those things right now, idiot-!
[it's a mix of frustration and confusion, though, rather than outright anger.
breathe, he reminds himself, before he tries to make that more coherent.]
If it's like that, then what was that answer about, huh-- if this isn't your problem, what is?
[STOP HE'S THE WORST AND HE CONTINUES TO BE THE WORST, CHUUYA GOT DOKIS FOR AN ACTUAL DEMON FORGET ABOUT THESE OTHER DEMONS RUNNING AROUND HOT DAMN.
In any case, he seems a little surprised when Chuuya pulls back, surveying his expression with a fairly unreadable one on his own face. After a few seconds, he seems to come to some sort of conclusion and smiles, unwinding his arms from around Chuuya so he can gently cup his face instead.]
It's unfair to you. [For! A lot of reasons!! So many reasons! He has enough reasons to talk for three minutes straight, probably!!
But rather than going into his messy, messy past (or the fact that honestly, his stupid gay repressed heart still has a massive doki for that "old friend" of his even if he isn't consciously AWARE OF IT), he just says:] You have your home, I have mine - I can't guarantee I'll be seeing anyone again if we get out of here, anyway, and it's unkind to leave people waiting. All I ask is that you allow me to enjoy your company here for just a little longer. Is that alright?
[chuuya FLICKS HIS STUPID GREMLIN FOREHEAD, wrinkling his nose.]
What did you think I was asking for, huh? I know we've got our own places to go. I couldn't ever go with you when I've got the mafia at home, you know, and there's no guarantees we'll ever manage to figure out how to meet again. I thought you knew I wasn't that stupid.
[like, he's very aware this is probably all the time they'll have left-- all the more reason to say it. so they can part knowing, at least, rather than chuuya returning home and thinking he should have mentioned it before the end.]
I'm not asking you to promise to marry me in the eventual future or some shit, I just-
[he exhales a breath to steady himself a little, reaching up to comb his fingers through his hair.]
I want to have you in whatever time we have left. If you want to have me until then.
[LOOK, HE'S AN IDIOT?? He's an idiot and this is like the twentieth time he's been called a dumbass this week - but at least the terrible tension is gone, and he can just delicately shove everything else away. In exchange, he reaches out and tugs Chuuya's hair...]
You're the one who wasn't clear from the start!
[To be fair, a normal person would have caught on much earlier than he did in the first place but HE'S SHOVING SOME OF THE BLAME ON CHUUYA ANYWAY.]
Say what you mean! Speak clearly! How am I supposed to understand what it is you want if you just randomly say whatever? [This fuckin pot yelling at this kettle.] You give me all this stress and call me a dumbass...
[But despite his GRUMBLING, he'll lean forward and smooch Chuuya's cheek.]
[That was absolutely his fault!! His ears twitch backwards at the hair tug and partially out of his own annoyance, but he seems easily placated, at least...
GOD I PERSONALLY HATE THAT WEI WUXIAN LIVED LONG ENOUGH FOR THIS TO HAPPEN but he seems satisfied enough, himself. After huffing out a little sigh:]
Just for now, not counting sleeping! That's fine - you can have me however you'd like outside of that.
[Even if it still boggles his wholeass mind that anyone would want him even temporarily?? Wild.]
[he's very set on this; if he gets to have wei wuxian, he intends to keep his company whenever he's able to, and chuuya pulls him in for a lingering kiss.
then he reaches up to trace a finger over his choker.]
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doublesmall) wrote2019-10-15 05:16 pm
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chuuya huffs out a little laugh, there, fingers twining into his hair.]
If you figure it out, you'd better show up, then. But I meant--
[getting this across to someone clueless is so hard, god.]
You're someone it'll be hard to say goodbye to.
[he'll try that, still watching wei wuxian's face, still with that extra attentiveness in his expression as his thumb brushes his cheek.]
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I will, I will! Don't think for a second I'd leave you alone if I have the chance to come bother you!
[SAID WITH A GRIN but, hm? Hm?? He's peak dumbass but even someone as dense as he is couldn't miss the way Chuuya is watching him, touching his face so tenderly. Granted, noticing it and being able to figure out what the fuck it means are two... different things... And it's probably clear from expression alone that he's just like ??? about this. (wei wuxian as kagachi voice) what could this man possibly want]
Haha, well! Can't say I get to hear that one often. [Or ever!] But with luck it won't be a long goodbye, at least. I'm not a fan of those sorts of goodbyes, myself.
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-c'mon, you really don't get it? What does a guy have to do, huh...
[well. there's always the blunter option, so-
chuuya steals another kiss, more intent this time and almost forceful; there's a kind of softness to it that keeps it from quite getting there, though, and enough intensity that he has to pull back to breathe.
he doesn't say anything else immediately after, his ears twitching.]
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He's also! Still visibly baffled!! Though there's a furrow at his brow that seems to indicate he's slowly chewing his way through the obvious possibility right in front of his idiot face - a furrow that indicates some distress, though. SURELY HE'S INTERPRETING THIS WRONG. Surely he's just jumping to wild, wild conclusions because Chuuya's being unreasonably kind to him, ridiculously affectionate!
--Actually, speaking of ridiculous affection... Ah! There's a little light of understanding in his expression, though he's back to looking a little confused soon after.]
—Didn't those cookies only work for one person at a time?
[At... at least Chuuya can probably tell he's not being intentionally obtuse or his usual shitty gremlin self. It is Literally That Hard for him to wrap his mind around the possibility that no someone just genuinely likes him. GOD.]
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[his nose wrinkles at the thought-- yes, he can tell wei wuxian's not doing this on purpose, but that makes it no less personally frustrating that this is SO DIFFICULT, lord. he kind of dislikes the thought that it really is that hard an assumption to make, has to wonder why, has to sort of sit on the urge to go threaten anyone who might have made it that way.
in fairness, he'd probably be pretty obtuse about it too.
but he exhales a breath, giving his head a little shake.]
It's not that. It's just you, all right?
You can tell me I'm stupid if you want, trust me, I already know-- but I don't see the point in maybe regretting not saying anything later.
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BOY THOUGH THAT'S, hm. That's, hm!! His first thoughts (after the bountiful whats zipping like lightning through his mind) are all different versions of what basically boils down to: haha oh no, I really did trick someone into liking me. It's not even entirely the past he never speaks of, it's everything, and he feels guilty and responsible and horribly selfish. Even now, he manages to keep the bulk of it off of his face - but considering how fine the control he has over his expression usually is, it's probably not hard to track at least some of what crosses this time.
Eventually, it settles into something almost melancholic - somber and soft. He reaches out with careful hands, fingertips ghosting against the sides of Chuuya's face.]
I don't think you're stupid. ...I don't think it's stupid. Haha, you're honestly smarter than I am, thinking about the regrets you might have so far in advance! I've never been good at that.
[Hm, it's hard telling someone "save the affection for someone who deserves it" without actually saying that, but it's hard just saying it, too! Haha, bad. Instead, he just settles on a succinct and quiet:]
—I'm sorry.
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[he reaches up for that hand touching his face, lightly lacing their fingers together; chuuya isn't always as good at keeping his own expression in check, so the way it falls despite those words is clear enough, before he gives his head a little shake and forces a smile back into place.]
What're you sorry for, huh? I figured you might not-- you know. Feel similarly.
[he's just really good at attaching to people who don't share it, in one way or another.]
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He's terrible with words where it counts, honestly, and maybe his actions won't help that much either. He brings their laced hands to his mouth to kiss Chuuya's knuckles and then leans forward: two more, for his forehead, for his lips. It's soft, lingering, apologetic.]
I am fond of you, you know - I like you a lot. [He can't deny that Chuuya's one of the handful of people he's especially tender toward, whose company he enjoys and seeks out more than the rest, as much as he likes almost the entirety of the ship.] And I hate seeing that kind of look on your face.
[Which he assumes he'd be seeing a lot of if he stuck around, haha! He's a mess of a human being in a borrowed body who hasn't experienced love he hasn't been blind to in years and years, and he wants better than himself for someone he cares about.]
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not enough, but he's used enough to that.]
-then I'll try not to make you see it.
[a brief huff of a laugh, there--]
Probably for the best anyway, yeah? Even if we did run into each other again-- criminals aren't the best company to keep.
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[A sigh! He doesn't seem fussed by the tightened grip, but that's probably because his attention is anchored firmly on Chuuya now. He's terrible with his words, but wouldn't it be even worse if he can't articulate himself well enough to clear up any misunderstandings? Or more terribly still, to avoid creating more?]
I don't want you to have a reason to make that kind of face again. ["I don't want to be the cause of it."] And I don't care about what sort of criminal you are! Goodness. You know, where I come from, just associating with me would be enough for people to hate you. Things like that hardly matter to me.
[Or, well. They don't matter if it's him associating with someone else. Haha, other people though? Absolutely shouldn't be associating with him!]
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[which he somewhat gets, considering what wei wuxian does, but-- well. what he knows sounds reasonable enough to him? so he deals with corpses and maybe that's a little weird because people really should stay dead but honestly, does he have room to call it weird anymore-- would he mind his own body still being useful after his death?
hm. maybe not.]
... you know that doesn't matter to me, either. I don't care how many other people hate you, or who'd hate me for that.
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I'd be more surprised if you did care, haha.
[But he, personally, cares enough for both of them! And it still honestly feels like cheating his way into good graces - even with a goddamn mafia executive - to just accept this without going into more detail about his terrible reputation. Somewhere among the bloodshed and death of his family and turning his back on his brother, he's sure there'll be something Chuuya finds unforgivable. Not that he'll say as much.]
It's like I said! For such a prickly person, you have a kind heart, you know? You should show it off a little more often.
[wwx: you don't have all the facts
also wwx: i'm not going to tell you them, but you don't have them]
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[exposing it just means it gets stung more easily? case in point: literally this.]
If it's like that, then--
[he looks like he's about to say something, but-- he cuts himself off, shaking his head as if it'll shake off the thought as well.]
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His free hand moves to briefly touch Chuuya's cheek as he considers his next words. "You'll find someone who deserves that kind heart of yours" is on the tip of his tongue, but he swallows it back, moving his hand away again. Softly:]
—Do you want me to go?
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he does and doesn't want him to go; should, reasonably, say yes. but he's also fighting the part of himself that runs on instinct right now and says he should just claim what he wants, anyway-- which is probably another reason to say he should go. reasonably.]
-no.
[nobody said he was reasonable. his ears flick a little as chuuya wraps an arm around him, still slightly possessive despite everything, because even if he can't have what he wants... part of him doesn't want anyone else to have wei wuxian right now, either.]
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But if he isn't going to leave - if Chuuya doesn't want him to - he at least tries to convey some of the things he can't seem to put into proper words. He pulls Chuuya in and holds him close and careful, resting his chin against the top of his head. After a beat, his hands stroke up his back; an attempt at comfort, an unspoken apology.]
I'll stay as long as you let me.
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[another faint laugh, fingers tangling into the fabric of wei wuxian's robes. it's not funny, exactly, but-- sometimes emotions just channel themselves into whatever is available.]
I thought you were the one who wasn't interested.
[so why isn't he removing himself, then-- pity, sympathy? does he just want to be here anyway?
hard to say what he thinks the best answer would be.]
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I said I like you, didn't I? Your heart is lovely and too big - you're good, you know? So good! [Too good, which is the problem.
There's a light little sigh; he buries his nose into Chuuya's hair, murmurs against his ear:] I want to stay - at least a little longer, I want to stay here.
[This boy is the MASTER OF MIXED MESSAGES can't believe Chuuya is getting a taste of what Lan Zhan had to deal with for two whole decades.]
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every word of that is an extremely mixed message, and okay, he really can't keep it in anymore. he finally pulls back, his hands grasping wei wuxian's shoulders, and he sort of looks like he might shake him for a moment?]
Then why would you-- you can't just say those things right now, idiot-!
[it's a mix of frustration and confusion, though, rather than outright anger.
breathe, he reminds himself, before he tries to make that more coherent.]
If it's like that, then what was that answer about, huh-- if this isn't your problem, what is?
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In any case, he seems a little surprised when Chuuya pulls back, surveying his expression with a fairly unreadable one on his own face. After a few seconds, he seems to come to some sort of conclusion and smiles, unwinding his arms from around Chuuya so he can gently cup his face instead.]
It's unfair to you. [For! A lot of reasons!! So many reasons! He has enough reasons to talk for three minutes straight, probably!!
But rather than going into his messy, messy past (or the fact that honestly, his stupid gay repressed heart still has a massive doki for that "old friend" of his even if he isn't consciously AWARE OF IT), he just says:] You have your home, I have mine - I can't guarantee I'll be seeing anyone again if we get out of here, anyway, and it's unkind to leave people waiting. All I ask is that you allow me to enjoy your company here for just a little longer. Is that alright?
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[chuuya FLICKS HIS STUPID GREMLIN FOREHEAD, wrinkling his nose.]
What did you think I was asking for, huh? I know we've got our own places to go. I couldn't ever go with you when I've got the mafia at home, you know, and there's no guarantees we'll ever manage to figure out how to meet again. I thought you knew I wasn't that stupid.
[like, he's very aware this is probably all the time they'll have left-- all the more reason to say it. so they can part knowing, at least, rather than chuuya returning home and thinking he should have mentioned it before the end.]
I'm not asking you to promise to marry me in the eventual future or some shit, I just-
[he exhales a breath to steady himself a little, reaching up to comb his fingers through his hair.]
I want to have you in whatever time we have left. If you want to have me until then.
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You're the one who wasn't clear from the start!
[To be fair, a normal person would have caught on much earlier than he did in the first place but HE'S SHOVING SOME OF THE BLAME ON CHUUYA ANYWAY.]
Say what you mean! Speak clearly! How am I supposed to understand what it is you want if you just randomly say whatever? [This fuckin pot yelling at this kettle.] You give me all this stress and call me a dumbass...
[But despite his GRUMBLING, he'll lean forward and smooch Chuuya's cheek.]
It's a deal!
[Chuuya's first contract with satan.]
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[he tugs chuuya's hair and chuuya tugs right back, huffing in annoyance before he smooths his fingers over the same lock he just pulled at.]
But fine. If you want me to speak clearly--
When I say I want to have you, I mean I want you to be mine. Just for now.
[a pause, and-]
...obviously I wouldn't ask you not to sleep with other people, you'd get killed doing that, but beyond that part.
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[That was absolutely his fault!! His ears twitch backwards at the hair tug and partially out of his own annoyance, but he seems easily placated, at least...
GOD I PERSONALLY HATE THAT WEI WUXIAN LIVED LONG ENOUGH FOR THIS TO HAPPEN but he seems satisfied enough, himself. After huffing out a little sigh:]
Just for now, not counting sleeping! That's fine - you can have me however you'd like outside of that.
[Even if it still boggles his wholeass mind that anyone would want him even temporarily?? Wild.]
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[he's very set on this; if he gets to have wei wuxian, he intends to keep his company whenever he's able to, and chuuya pulls him in for a lingering kiss.
then he reaches up to trace a finger over his choker.]
And make this a trade. It seems fair, right?
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