doublesmall | [PCs] team trust no bitch aka team hat aka chuuya & caren

Hey, Caren.

[that comes after a long stretch of silence, during which chuuya's largely kept to himself. he likes to maintain some sort of contact when they're alone together, even if it's as simple as limbs touching; he's had his back turned to her, but still maintaining that small physical connection by lying right up against her.]

Have you ever thought-- what if living again doesn't have to mean the same life as before?

Hm? [Her weight shifts slightly in response to what he says. Even if he isn't looking at her, isn't holding her, Chuuya should be able to feel her body adjust itself as she thinks about the idea.]

Presumably, it would be confusing if previously dead people just happened to be working the earth again. [Some of the people playing this game likely had others to mourn them somewhere, and the reality of gamerunners who could so completely alter reality that a death could be rewound completely is daunting, godlike, when considered too thoroughly.]

Yeah. I'd say that outcome is more than possible.

If that's the case... do you think you'd try again, if you could? Or would you stay here if they let you?

[they've talked about their feelings on their lives, their inability to be certain when they're missing things so inherent to deciding what they'd do--

but they never quite discussed that middle option between living and ceasing to exist, beyond chuuya's admittance that he'd agreed to take it over death if he ends up unable to live.]

Stay here?

[That possibility carries with it a few different options. The parameters aren't completely clear, have seemed mostly impossible, so she takes a moment to sort them all out. Caren rarely speaks without thinking, after all.]

I cannot say that Limbo suits me all that well. ...However, there have been some things enjoyable about it. But a different life entirely...

[She smiles a little bit, a clever expression even if he isn't looking.] How soon do you need an answer to that question?

I didn't say I needed one by a certain time...

[he huffs out a breath, shifting to face her.]

I've just... been thinking. About whether I'd take something I didn't know or if I'd decide to work for them, if they'd have me.

Whether our choices would be the same or not.

[She hums thoughtfully, pulling some of her hair over one shoulder and stroking it with the palm of her hand.]

I might choose that sort of new beginning. I shouldn't have been born in the first place, originally, so i might appreciate the chance to step into that new world.

[Ah, but perhaps that would be cheating. She turns onto her side, too, watching him.]

...yeah. It's a little like that for me. If it turns out I can't have my old life... I don't know, maybe I could get a normal one. Something with a better start that I could actually remember.

Maybe I'd end up bored with 'normal' and hate it, though. Who knows, high-risk business might just be my thing no matter what.

[he cracks a little grin, there, temporary as it is.]

You think we'd still be ourselves if we lived a different life?

I really suppose the answer to that question depends on which part of yourself you're so afraid of losing.

[She doesn't expect him to tell her what that is. Caren suspects no small part of herself comes from the circumstances surrounding her birth--if only her birth, and nothing after that--and still she hesitates to say the same about him. It would be a shame if he stayed exactly the same. It would be a shame if he changed that much.]

It does seem in your nature to always find trouble.

Might be.

[he hums thoughtfully under his breath before continuing.]

I don't know if I'm afraid. It's just that there are a lot of unknowns involved, when I might just be able to take a job I know I'd be good at and keep going as I am. Seems like it might be the smart option.

Chuuya...

[Caren's voice is thoughtful first, then firm.]

Are you trying to get me to dissuade you without actually asking me directly?

What? No. If I wanted that, I'd ask you to tell me to live.

[he shakes his head with another little huff, a dismissive wave of his hand.]

I'm-- thinking out loud, I guess. Trying to figure my shit out.

... and I guess I'd be more likely to do it if you did. We work well together, you know?

Being so roundabout isn't like you, but I thought you might be trying a new tactic after all.

[She closes her eyes a little at the praise. Time is running water-thin through their fingers. A decision will have to be made soon, after all.]

You could choose your own partner under those circumstances, [is what Caren ends up blurting, lest he or maybe even of both of them have forgotten that they were forced together by chance.]

I know. I am.

[chance brought them together here, but the two of them made this partnership what it was. there are others chuuya could have worked effectively with, sure, but...]

If I had to do this all again and choose who I'd get stuck with for it, it'd still be you.

Yes...

[It's easy for her to smile, suddenly, slow and gentle. For once, Caren doesn't mind if he sees, if he knows, that she needed to hear it,too.]

I thought the same.

...good.

[that gets a smile in return, and he reaches out to run his fingers through her hair, the new braid she'd constructed now tied securely around his wrist to keep it safe.]

I think-- if I can go back to my old life, I will. If I can't... whatever we pick, let's do it together.

[In turn, Caren reaches out to touch her face, her thumb just brushing his lower lip as she holds his cheek in her palm.]

All right. I won't just say I'll go with you--because after all, maybe it's you who'll end up coming with me.

[But still, the question nags at her, a possibility Caren wants to be prepared for if it comes, as it seems so likely to, to pass.]

But what if we can't choose?

Then it's just up to fate, right? Not that I usually believe in that kind of thing...

[he pauses for a moment, considering, his head tilting slightly into her touch.]

...but I don't know. We were partners by chance this time, and we've made this much out of it. I wouldn't mind rolling the dice on that again.

[they share blood now, after all. they're connected by more than just the mechanics of the game they've been playing. maybe that means they're more likely to find each other again.]

We don't have to decide that now. Let's see what our options are and whether we'd get taken on if we decided to try to take the job instead. That might make the decision for us.

[if both could live but only one would be accepted as a reaper, or if both would be taken on but only one could live... well, that'll narrow things down, he thinks.

there is still a third possible end for him, though.]

...but if it turns out that I can't go on at all-- you pick whatever you want for yourself.

Hm. I don't really like the thought of giving up that kind of control, but I suppose you're the same way.

[And she'd had no control in coming here, had no control over what brought them together or even, really, over anything that transpired in this game that they didn't choose for themselves.]

Maybe that's what we have to do; just accepting something like that isn't like either of us.

[Caren moves to withdraw her hand.] In the end, it's going to be all right. I'm sure it may turn out that I am needed somewhere.

... Caren.

[when she withdraws her hand, so does chuuya, but only so that he can link their fingers together.]

What if you already were?

[they don't talk about feelings, not in as many words. the two of them just aren't the type. but given how things are going... it's something he thinks he may regret not saying if he doesn't do it.

in the absence of anyone close to him in life, she's become the most important person in his death. he doesn't like to say he needs anyone but himself--

it would have been hard, though, if she hadn't joined him on this side.]

[As with the hair and the other little things they dance around saying, he's still a little more sentimental than she is, ever will be. Her inability to feel those certain things at certain times gives her that advantage. Disadvantage. One of the two, even as they slouch together toward some understanding.]

I know, [Caren says softly, so delicate that she almost sounds...normal. Just a girl, for a second, but that's a stupid illusion.] I know...

But if we must go our separate ways, I need to look for something to breathe some meaning into it.

[maybe it's her words, maybe the tone of her voice; either way, he answers at first by closing the distance between them to kiss her. it's less demanding than usual, a softer sort of thing.]

There's been meaning in this, right?

Oh, stop. [It's a small protest, betrayed even more when she returns the kiss without complaint.] You don't have to willfully misinterpret what I'm saying.

It meant something to the two of us, didn't it? That matters.[It matters especially that he found that thing. She is suddenly struck by the desire to tell him to fight to live.]

I'm just saying-- sometimes you don't need to look so hard for meaning in where you're going.

[the things you leave behind can push you forward, too.

he steals another kiss, there.]

Hah, careful. When you say things like that, it almost sounds like you're admitting something.

[because of course he'll still tease her, even in the middle of this talk.]

Admitting to what? [Instead of touching his cheek, Caren pushes the heel of her palm against his forehead this time.]

I don't give up that sensitive information so easily, you know, and certainly not outside the wrong time for it to be said.

[he laughs at the push, shaking his head as he goes with it and rolls onto his back, pulling caren along.]

And who says it's not the time, huh...?

Well, I guess that's up to you, in the end.

week...6? thursday

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